MATH CLASS BONERS: A METAPHOR FOR MY LIFE

This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.”- the pragmatic Chuck Palahniuk, author of Fight Club

Today  I am here to tell you the story of my friend Ben. Ben is a lady’s man, a player by every definition. The problem is, he thinks he actually falls in love with these women, girls really- teenagers who mistake their mutual lust for the electric attraction we call love. Ben is over six feet tall, a dorky, quirky rower who drives girls nuts with his absolute uniqueness. Frankly, he pisses me the fuck off. Ben needs to grow up and stop sucking face because he confuses thoughts from his hormone-addled brain with his blood-addled heart. That being said he is one of the greatest people ever and I would take a bullet for him.

The real story about Ben is actually a little backstory none of his girlfriends know. Funny how that works- the people we are closest to are actually the people who know the least about us. Ben and his girlfriends only go surface deep, a sentiment considered the norm in high school. Please ask me again why I think love is meaningless. Really. Please do.

Ben’s fatal flaw, the hamartia of teenage boys everywhere, is his boner problem. A very funny boner problem, by the way.

Ben gets boners in math class. Not every math class-“that would be ridiculous!” he says. It’s just that boners regularly occur in his trig class. Sines are sexy, hexagons make him horny, and he’s turned on by the thought of calculating the inverse function of ax=by. I’m kidding, of course, but there’s something funny in Ben’s boners. I may be reading too much into it, but its a metaphor for my life. Boners are a metaphor for my life.

Here’s why: On weekdays I am motivated to have fun, be spontaneous, write blogs (wink), embrace life. But I am so fucking tired. I cannot sit staring at four blank walls while a teacher lectures the same lecture of everyday life. I am excited by the prospect of life but have to sit there covering my excitement with two hands in my pockets and my head down. Ben’s boners are like my fucking life.

With my knowledge of boners I need to add a warning: I, in fact, am female. Take of it what you may.

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MATH CLASS BONERS: A METAPHOR FOR MY LIFE